lost mother


  • written in response to some bloggers’ comments on a post

a loss like no other? someone said; at least one had the (almost) honesty to say ‘I still feel the grief even though she was abusive’. Another, the physical loss is hard but worse if they are gone before they die (i.e. through dementia).

When did I lose my mother?*

I have read somewhere, I don’t think it was de Beauvoir saying it, giving up a meaningful life of her own was like a mental breakdown for a woman.

Somewhere in there, for me, the reconciliation of feminism with the experience of an overbearing abusive mother who for far too long had all the power in my life. Even over dad. But that’s another story.

In my thirties, a cousin on my mother’s side, 10 years or so my senior, told me ‘how like your mother – and yet such a different person’.

That was the nail in the coffin I needed to hear.


*After many years of emotional abuse and emotional absence respectively, I left my parents at age 18 never to return.

~ by Barbara S on January 21, 2022.

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