Longing – Apr 1958

One of my first memories:

I am nearly 4, standing with my mother on a platform at Hamburg Altona station, waiting for a train. We had left East Germany on a visa (possible in 1958 to visit relatives). Yet we were to stay and settle in Stuttgart, where my mother had previously lived, after the war. The station is echoing with a crescendo of noises, above all the loud speaker, the station hall is dark and grimy.

I must have fidgeted even though my mother is holding me firmly by the hand, because she barks at me to stand still. I am not safe, but as I listen to the loud speaker, I thrust my hope on the voice from above, on anything that is out there. I am thus, of course, in some way taking to the hope my mother had had for leaving for the West and she would have talked to me about it.

The adult I am senses there is more though, there is coming to the fore my innate sense of adventure and that Life is good, even if scary at times, and unpredictable.

~ by Barbara S on May 9, 2021.

2 Responses to “Longing – Apr 1958”

  1. Re-visiting this memory now, the thought: My tendency to get exhausted or overwhelmed in social gatherings might have something to do with this tense looking-out.
    However, I know in my bones that my calling to a solitary life ( for now still balanced by professional commitments and a few social contacts) is more than an avoidance reaction to my psychological make-up, i.e. my sensitivity, it is a deeper urge to gather, or: the character has opened to point beyond itself.
    In this respect, it really does not mattter whether the sensitivity is my temperament. or whether it came about due ongoing stress being increasingly bullied by my mother as I was growing up.
    Grace builds on nature, is an old-fashioned expression in Catholic spiritual theology for this.

  2. July 2015 – my reflection on lying in the MRI-scanner meets a new layer of reading it: If the tense hypervigilance coloured my early sense of mystery, then the being cut off and feeling love and mystery return to me, may turout to be a healing loop…

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