My World afresh – Mar 2010

Spring 2010 – Today I came back from swimming, feeling quite emotional in a warm and friendly way.
In the pool had been two young girls, not older than 10 years, obviously best friends playing at diving and splashing about. They included me with friendly questions how many lanes I had swum and the like and I enjoyed their healthy and beaming way – they were not bubbly or over the top, just two young girls, just opening to the world, healthy, fresh and wonderful.
As I sat down on my caravan bunk seat, I started weeping from nowhere – and outpoured all the grief over losing my best friend at the age of 9: She suddenly, from one day to the next, was not allowed to play with me anymore. I saw her at school every day, and I remember several times asking, can’t we just play? And she replied darkly, no she was not allowed.
She had short sand-coloured hair, with a curl in her fringe, and walked with a slight limp, from when she had polio when she was little. Conny. She had been my world. And now I had lost her. I was desolate and utterly helpless. Sometime later, I had another bout of tonsillitis, followed by nephritis. I was not yet 10. I remember my mother sending me to the Doctor on my own. What a strange thing to have done.
The adult at 56 finally sees the jig saw pieces fitting together – my mother had done something which had made the Doctor, who was Conny’s father, say she must not come and see him again, and he had forbidden Conny to play with me. A world had ended for me.
I remember the vague and numb reaction at home when I had told my parents. I remember walking back up the hill from the surgery towards our house, weak and unwell, without words for my real pain.
For the first time, as I blow my nose, now an older woman, in the caravan, I realise what pain had been in the 9-year-old and how she was comforted, yet still hurt beyond words.
A gap has been closed as I also remember the love -.

“After emotional trauma, a part of the personality is stuck at that age.”

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~ by Barbara S on July 28, 2013.

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