There is of course, right next to the sense of adventure and wonder, the fear, the chronic anxiety that goes to the core of this child – my mother shouting and belittling me would become a pattern I eventually only escaped by not having any contact with her nor my dad, from the time when my son was born, when I was 21. To this day, a strange conversation where I sense the other person is not on my wave length can send my spinning off into panic or feeling numb. Let alone if they disagree with me or accuse me of something, however unreasonably – I spin.
Until, that is, I soothe myself and remind myself of my core that has turned into a calling in my thirties.

If my investigations are valid, the insecurity may even go back to prenatal stage. Either way, it makes sense that every disagreement – let alone rejection – touches the very foundations of my right to be here.


~ by Barbara S on November 7, 2012.

3 Responses to “Foundation”

  1. If my analysis has some merit, then perhaps the deeper meaning of losing any sense of formal religion as “out there” was that on one hand to connect with my own sense of meaning I had to learn to look inside, and on the other hand let go off all temporary, even illusory “cheap grace”, as the Catholics even call it?

  2. Viewed from a different angle, the paradox in my life, my one koan is that paradox between anxiety, that leads to shrinking from the love-for-the world that resonates within me and that expansion, that is prayer.
    In fact, the former side of the equation is not dissimilar to a metaphoric holding on to a transitional object – until the theme of witnessing came to life, in an instant, in an impossible soul-destroyingly hopeless situation: It freed me

  3. As a person with high sensitivity (HSP) even a radio play can raise anxiety close to ‘lived’ level – as only experienced a few days ago when the play “You Drive Me Crazy” showed the background of panic attacks of the author in childhood experiences. I was there with him. Palpitations and shakiness lasted for hours after the play had ended.

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